I love this song from The Calling – Wherever You Will Go. It came out just when I was grieving my husband’s death, and I heard it on the radio all the time. I felt that it could have been written just for me. Because he told me that he would always be with me. Many times, that was the one message he got through, very clearly. Over the years, it has only proven more relevant. I haven’t heard it in years, but then I heard it on the way home the other day, after receiving messages from him, via a friend. One thing that he kept repeating was “and I’m still with you.” He wants me to know.
Love doesn’t go anywhere. It changes form when they die. It has to. You can’t hang onto an earthly love. It can never be like that again. It will drive you mad, if you try. I had to form a new relationship with him. After all, he wasn’t really here anymore. And yet he was.. It’s a subtle distinction.
If you haven’t actually lost someone you loved, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. But if you have, then I’m sure you get it. People on the outside of your very personal grief tend to get a little bit frightened by this kind of talk. They may think that you are overly attached to your lost loved one, and they will try to convince you to let go. That’s certainly what happened to me. They didn’t understand that I was transitioning to a very healthy form of attachment. They didn’t trust me to do that. Which is fair enough, I guess. They didn’t know how it was to be me. But, their continued push to let him go, to detach from him, actually hurt and frightened ME. I wasn’t ready to let him go. It made me dig my heels in. Maybe you can relate?
I did have to release him. And the thing was, I’d already done that. I took care to make sure I wasn’t tethering him here to this realm, to do nothing that would hinder his journey into what came next for him. I had a ritual after his funeral. I was unable to honour his wishes to scatter his ashes, and so I and his friends set him free symbolically, by throwing all of the roses from his coffin, into the swirling waters of Bells Rapids, where he wanted us to go and remember him. I had set him free. That didn’t mean we weren’t still connected. But it was his choice. I hadn’t tied him to me.
He is still around. It’s fine. He’s fine. I’m fine. I’m not stuck in an unhealthy attachment. This is what love is. It endures. Like energy itself, it cannot be destroyed. It just changes form. He watches over me. But, its not creepy.
He is proud of the work that I do, and how I have grown. His heart aches from all of the hurt that I’ve endured, and he is really, truly happy when I am being loved. It’s his greatest wish. For me to live a full, happy, abundant life. How do I know? There have been times when a psychic Medium has been used as an intermediary to pass on a little snippet from him. There are times when I just feel him. At his funeral, he was sitting right beside me, holding my hand, the whole time. My best friend could feel a searing heat on that side of me. Sometimes I smell the particular tobacco scent he had. Or an image of him pops into my mind. Significant songs come onto the radio, at times when I need guidance or comforting. I will see a certain type of car, or a bumper sticker, or something that reminds me of him.. (When I took action to leave my abusive ex, he loaded me up with all of it. I got 2 cars, a bike and bumper stickers with significant words, all around me in a particular section of traffic. He was letting me know that I was doing the right thing.) Sometimes I have dreams.
Your loved ones still love you. They still care about what happens to you. They will leave signs all over the place, if you know where to look. Notice them. Be grateful. Think of your person, acknowledge them and keep on loving them back.
So lately, been wondering, who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall, It’d fall upon us all,
and between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own?
If I could, then I would. I’ll go wherever you will go.
Way up high or down low. I’ll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I’ll find out the way to make it back someday.
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall, It’d fall upon us all.
Well I hope there’s someone out there who can bring me back to you
Run away with my heart. Run away with my hope. Run away with my love.
I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on.
In your heart, in your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time.
If I could turn back time, I’ll go wherever you will go.
If I could make you mine, I’ll go wherever you will go
I’ll go wherever you will go.
*Photo by Pedro Figueros from Pexels.